Body Image Disorders & Fitness

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I am happy to say that apparently I was mistaken and soy is okay for me to eat. 🙂 What got me really sick the other day was butternut squash. Apparently, a small handful is okay for IBS, but larger amounts has high FODMAPs and will really mess me up, which it certainly did. I’ve been having tofu and tempeh with no problem again, thankfully. I’m really happy about that because tofu and tempeh are excellent sources of protein for me since I don’t eat meat, chicken or fish.

I’ve also noticed that I am gaining more muscle and shredding more fat now that I am focusing on consuming more protein. I make sure to eat tofu, tempeh, spinach, kale or peanut butter nearly every day since I can’t eat mushrooms or legumes, which are packed with protein and really delicious and nutritious. I have learned that I am very sensitive to alcohol and it negatively impacts my weight/fat loss since I am an endomorph and my body tends to store fat as opposed to other body types that burn fat a lot more easily.

Which brings me to the main topic of this post, which has been really distressing me. I have finally admitted to myself that I am a perfectionist. I don’t hold anyone else to the pinnacle of perfection that I do with my own self. This is especially true for my body image. Despite my amazing transformation from being over 150 pounds to 106 pounds and getting toned, I still feel like I have so much work to do. All I can see when I look into the mirror is my soft stomach and dreaded pouch underneath my belly button.

There is no denying anymore that I am suffering from a body image disorder. I hate to admit this, but there are some days where I struggle to eat anything at all. All I can think about is getting that toned, fit body that I crave. Yesterday, my anxiety was so horrible that I ate too much, especially an abundance of sugar, which triggered my IBS and I had a flare-up. I either don’t want to eat anything or I want to eat everything that I can.

It’s also safe to say that when I think about my weight loss, it brings me so much anxiety and even anger because I was not guilty at all of my weight gain. When I was sixteen, I pretty much had a bikini body, I was that thin/in shape. Then I went on Prozac and I gained fifty pounds in literally a month. I didn’t change my diet and did not overeat. Now that I know how SSRIs work, I understand that what happened to me happens to most people: massive, uncontrollable weight gain. And the worst part isn’t the weight gain. It’s the fact that even after you stop taking these pills, you can’t lose weight even if you go to the gym every day and eat healthily. Many people have attested to this fact and it’s really sad and frustrating because it just makes your depression so much worse, obviously.

What really saddens me, though, is the very real possibility that these pills really damaged my metabolism. My metabolism is obviously very slow now. With the way I eat and exercise, I should have a fit body by now. But it will take me another year or so until I achieve the results that I desire. What should take someone with a normal metabolism a month or two to achieve will take me several months. It’s the sad reality of the situation and I am trying hard to not compare myself to anyone else.

I don’t want this to be a horrible struggle for me and I want to enjoy my journey; if I want to eat french fries once a week or enjoy a cupcake once in awhile, I will. I deserve to. It’s not bad for me. It’s energy. I have changed my life so much in the past two years and I am so happy that I have adopted a healthy lifestyle that will hopefully benefit me later on. Even though it’s been really difficult for me to lose weight and fat with IBS, depression and anxiety, I am so happy that I am perseverent and I am not giving up, ever.

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When Everything Is Stagnant

I hate to admit this but lately I feel like I’d rather be dead. Having no job and living in the house where you were raped and spent most of your time self-harming and self-abusing alcohol is not a good environment at all.

That is why I will try to change the brain works and focus on the present. From now on, I will no longer obsess about the near future or far future. I can’t. Because when I do, that’s when my anxiety worsens and it morphs into the depression that tries to seduce me with compulsive thoughts that make me want to cut myself to escape the emotional pain.

I am trying to find a therapist that incorporates EMDR in their practice. I have been hearing that it’s a great tool for PTSD from severe trauma. I really do love talk therapy but sadly, I can talk about my feelings until I am blue in the face but that won’t solve the root problem. I am personally very against pills for depression and anxiety because I am highly sensitive to medication and I turn into a literal zombie. Not to mention I gain a massive amount of weight.

It glaringly apparent now that I cannot have a stable relationship with alcohol so I will have to give that up for good. I guess I am just really upset and annoyed lately; I keep giving up things that I enjoy and I feel like I am going crazy. No coffee, no alcohol….not to mention half of my favorite veggies and fruits.

The good news is that I have a plan and even though it will be really hard to wait until May, my plan is a solid one. The last real job that I had at the farm is opening up again in late May and I was told that if I don’t find work by then, I’d be more than welcome to work there again. I have the opportunity to work every day so I will. That will be good for me to get out of the house and be outside, of course. I love getting the fresh air and being out in nature and enjoying the awesome perks of buying discounted fruits and veggies, as well as having a steady source of income, of course. Then once the farm closes in early November, I will focus on moving down to New York City with all the money I have saved up. I will also be focusing on my grad school applications for my MFA.

Right now I need to take care of myself and work on my self-worth and confidence. I still feel ugly, stupid and worthless. These are all things that I need to rectify. I want to love myself and be kinder to myself. I will work extremely hard to achieve this, no matter how difficult it may be.

Letting Go Of Desire

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If we contemplate desires and listen to them, we are actually no longer attaching to them; we are just allowing them to be the way they are. Then we come to the realisation that the origin of suffering, desire, can be laid aside and let go of.

How do you let go of things? This means you leave them as they are; it does not mean you annihilate them or throw them away. It is more like setting down and letting them be. Through the practice of letting go we realise that there is the origin of suffering, which is the attachment to desire, and we realise that we should let go of these three kinds of desire. Then we realise that we have let go of these desires; there is no longer any attachment to them.

Source: http://www.buddhanet.net/4noble14.htm

Ever since I learned about Buddhism ten years ago, I had always read the statement that the origin of all suffering is desire. Although my mind could somewhat understand the concept, I did not completely comprehend it. Now that I am spiritually awakened, I can attest to having a much better grasp at understanding this universal truth through my own personal suffering with a certain attachment.

I’m not sure how to call this attachment. Submission? Sex? Lust? As I have mentioned in my previous entries, before I started dating my beautiful partner, I avidly sought for a sensually dominant man. One that I could connect with emotionally and spiritually, not just sexually. As an empath, my journey to find the right dominant man to own me was rife with much disappointment and sadness. Looking back, it seems that I was seeking a man to save me from myself. I subconsciously wanted a man to pull me out of the thick darkness that was polluting my veins and arteries, drowning me alive.

It makes me ashamed to admit this, but the desire to submit to the right dominant man continued to plague my subconscious until last week when I finally decided to let go of this desire that was causing me so much turmoil, sadness, and pain. Given my dark past with the opposite sex, I had more reason to set it aside. I have always attempted to throw away this desire that has plagued my conscious and subconscious mind. But it has always failed me, returning with a wicked vengeance. Not to mention the fact that I am a highly sensitive, attuned empath and I subconsciously attract narcissists and sociopaths by my mere aura, which can be extremely dangerous when it comes to BDSM.

The decision to set aside this attachment has already made my life so much better. I no longer hurt so much. Instead of focusing on what I DON’T have, I am able to focus on the things that I DO have, which includes a stunning, amazing, beautiful and loyal girlfriend that loves me for more than my physical body or the sexual acts that I can provide her.

I am still a submissive woman and yes, I still retain these desires and cravings. But I no longer feel like I NEED to serve someone. This desire was creating a world of pain for me and now that I have released it, I feel like I can finally, truly, be happy and content in the world.

Weight Loss Struggles And GI Problems

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If I didn’t have IBS, I most likely would have a six-pack by now. Unfortunately, I suffer from severe IBS and even though I strive to follow a low FODMAP diet, I am still finding it extremely difficult to cope with it after a year of being diagnosed with this syndrome that severely impacts my life. I have also found that it has made my weight loss journey much more difficult.

When my IBS acts up, I suffer from either painful cramping and diarrhea or severe bloating, gas and constipation. Right now I am very bloated, gassy and constipated from the tofu I had earlier, a food that is supposed to be low FODMAP and safe to eat. Apparently, it’s really bad for me, though. Perhaps it’s the soy that I’m allergic to. As a vegan, I try my best to obtain my proteins from multiple sources, and sadly, I am going to have to cross out tofu from the list. I already can’t have broccoli, any type of bean and legume, or mushroom. Imagine having a chronic disorder/syndrome where you have to give up half of your favorite foods. That’s what I had to do pretty much.

And it gets more complicated when you try to lose fat and gain muscle. With my body suffering from the effects of IBS, it’s no wonder it has taken me so long to lose fat and weight. My body is clearly stressed out from this GI disorder. I am going to have to be much more careful in what I eat. Eating out is always a huge issue for me since gluten/wheat is bad for me as well. This disorder truly is a living nightmare. I find myself not wanting to eat anything half the time. I even gave up coffee and energy drinks to try to attain my toned body.

I write about my struggles so other people suffering from this incurable condition can know that they are not alone and if they are having issues with weight/fat loss, that this is the probable reason why. I work out nearly every day, incorporating cardio and toning exercises to help me burn fat. All I drink is water with lemon wedges and I will start my day with a tall glass of water with a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar. Nearly everything that I eat is ‘healthy’ (fresh fruit, veggies, oats, quinoa, brown rice, etc).

And things that help IBS immensely that are relatively cheap and easy to obtain: turmeric and ginger tea (you can make it yourself, just add some lemon and black pepper), peppermint tea and apple cider vinegar. Apple cider vinegar also naturally helps you lose weight. These ‘holistic’ treatments aren’t scientifically demonstrated to help because we live in a capitalistic society that would rather have you spend your hard earned money on overpriced products even though humans have been using these natural ailments for so long.

Frustrated

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The past two weeks have been interesting, to say the least. I had a job with a staffing agency in New York City for a brief week before I was abruptly told that the position was terminated and I was no longer needed. I was mostly relieved that I got axed, though; the job was extremely disorganized and much too stressful for a highly sensitive person like me.

Instead of wallowing in self-misery and allowing the void of deep depression to overwhelm me, forcing me to drink myself to a stupor and cut myself, I did the opposite. I told myself that this outcome was NOT my fault; I was at work every day at 9:00 AM, way before most people arrived at the office, and there was only one day where I arrived late due to my commute. They either didn’t like me or legitimately disposed of the position that I had.

And you know, with my crappy experiences with all of these horrible jobs, I have realized that most people don’t have depression or anxiety because of a chemical imbalance in your brain. I have known this all along and I will finally admit it: my depression and anxiety are primarily caused by my chronic poverty. It’s also caused by this narcissistic, sociopathic society that thrives on sexism, racism, classism, homophobia and all other forms of rampant discrimination. I am actually quite happy and content with myself. I firmly know without hesitation that if I had a decent paying job where I didn’t have to stress over bills, food and rent, I wouldn’t have half the anxiety and depression that I am suffering from now.

I know this is true because I’ve experienced it. When I worked at the local farm here in my hometown last year, I was happy. Sure, it didn’t pay much, but I worked six days out of the week and I was receiving money for my groceries and gas. When the job ended, my depression resurfaced with a vengeance. Even my mother noticed it right away.

Society does a horrible of dealing with mental illness. I don’t care if I piss people off when I say the truth: most depression and anxiety in us is caused by society, both individually and collectively as a group. Every time someone goes on the news and links mental illness to violence, portraying us as evil and inhumane. Every time your family member tells you that your emotional pain is invalid because there are others out there with REAL problems, diminishing your turmoil. Instead of receiving compassion and empathy, we receive discrimination and humiliation, worsening the illness.

I’m not sure if our American society will ever progress in terms of mental illness. I truly hope that it does. I don’t see a future for myself and my partner in this country for a wide variety of reasons and mental health awareness is a big one for me. Yes, things are slowly changing for the better. But it’s still not sufficient. By now, we should know better. Yet as a society, we still think people with mental illness are lazy. Cowardly. Selfish. And that just feeds the demons of depression and anxiety, overshadowing all the light in our life.

Scared.

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Today I started writing a suicide letter on my laptop. I’ve never done that before and it’s really scary, that I feel this disillusioned and hopeless about life. I really can’t wait for my new health insurance to kick in on February 1st. I’m so lucky that my dad is offering me to pay for my paralegal certificate. I know I’m going to do great at it and help people and hopefully pursue a law degree, too.

Forever A Little Girl

She is forever a little girl

Crystallized in the body

Of an adult woman

She is achingly sweet

And filthy at the same time

Exuberant in her desire

To pleasure and satisfy

The kindred souls

That she meets along

The dark path of life

Hollow

Just another meaningless fuck

In the desperate attempt

To feel something other than pain

He thrusts himself deep inside her

But all she feels is hollowness

And the rampant disappointment

That he is not her sacred angel

Set to save her from the darkness

That keeps her fragile soul captive

To the horrors of the dismal past