I am happy to say that apparently I was mistaken and soy is okay for me to eat. 🙂 What got me really sick the other day was butternut squash. Apparently, a small handful is okay for IBS, but larger amounts has high FODMAPs and will really mess me up, which it certainly did. I’ve been having tofu and tempeh with no problem again, thankfully. I’m really happy about that because tofu and tempeh are excellent sources of protein for me since I don’t eat meat, chicken or fish.
I’ve also noticed that I am gaining more muscle and shredding more fat now that I am focusing on consuming more protein. I make sure to eat tofu, tempeh, spinach, kale or peanut butter nearly every day since I can’t eat mushrooms or legumes, which are packed with protein and really delicious and nutritious. I have learned that I am very sensitive to alcohol and it negatively impacts my weight/fat loss since I am an endomorph and my body tends to store fat as opposed to other body types that burn fat a lot more easily.
Which brings me to the main topic of this post, which has been really distressing me. I have finally admitted to myself that I am a perfectionist. I don’t hold anyone else to the pinnacle of perfection that I do with my own self. This is especially true for my body image. Despite my amazing transformation from being over 150 pounds to 106 pounds and getting toned, I still feel like I have so much work to do. All I can see when I look into the mirror is my soft stomach and dreaded pouch underneath my belly button.
There is no denying anymore that I am suffering from a body image disorder. I hate to admit this, but there are some days where I struggle to eat anything at all. All I can think about is getting that toned, fit body that I crave. Yesterday, my anxiety was so horrible that I ate too much, especially an abundance of sugar, which triggered my IBS and I had a flare-up. I either don’t want to eat anything or I want to eat everything that I can.
It’s also safe to say that when I think about my weight loss, it brings me so much anxiety and even anger because I was not guilty at all of my weight gain. When I was sixteen, I pretty much had a bikini body, I was that thin/in shape. Then I went on Prozac and I gained fifty pounds in literally a month. I didn’t change my diet and did not overeat. Now that I know how SSRIs work, I understand that what happened to me happens to most people: massive, uncontrollable weight gain. And the worst part isn’t the weight gain. It’s the fact that even after you stop taking these pills, you can’t lose weight even if you go to the gym every day and eat healthily. Many people have attested to this fact and it’s really sad and frustrating because it just makes your depression so much worse, obviously.
What really saddens me, though, is the very real possibility that these pills really damaged my metabolism. My metabolism is obviously very slow now. With the way I eat and exercise, I should have a fit body by now. But it will take me another year or so until I achieve the results that I desire. What should take someone with a normal metabolism a month or two to achieve will take me several months. It’s the sad reality of the situation and I am trying hard to not compare myself to anyone else.
I don’t want this to be a horrible struggle for me and I want to enjoy my journey; if I want to eat french fries once a week or enjoy a cupcake once in awhile, I will. I deserve to. It’s not bad for me. It’s energy. I have changed my life so much in the past two years and I am so happy that I have adopted a healthy lifestyle that will hopefully benefit me later on. Even though it’s been really difficult for me to lose weight and fat with IBS, depression and anxiety, I am so happy that I am perseverent and I am not giving up, ever.