Everyone has experienced some sort of rejection. True, yes. But sexual abuse and bullying (I never received physical, just verbal abuse) just make the rejections worse, I swear. I’ve always been a lone wolf ever since I was very young in kindergarten. So trying to connect with someone since my divorce two years ago has been extremely difficult.
Honestly I think it’s due a to a number of different factors. My self-esteem is still low; all I can really focus on is my little tummy and how short I am. How most people would prefer a tall woman with long flowing hair and flawless makeup. At the moment, my hair is pretty short but growing fast. It’s skimming my neck now.
Another problem that I am having is that most of the men I attract are married. There are a lot of open marriages and I am NOT passing judgment on them. I’m not even really judging someone who is openly cheating. I just can’t help them cheat. Period. No matter how much we connect or like each other. I just can’t do it. So a lot of people that could have been right for me were discounted.
It really does feel like I will never have this sort of relationship. Like it’s too good to be true. If it doesn’t happen, that’s okay. But it feels like a waste. Nearly everyday I play out sexy scenarios in my head that go unfulfilled. I can go to the bar and find a guy to have vanilla sex, sure. Or I could ask him to dominate me. But it just wouldn’t feel right. Because he wouldn’t be a true dom to me…he wouldn’t be my protector, my friend, the man that cares for what is within me and not just what I can give him. Sex is so easy to find now. Finding a true connection seems impossible.