It’s been awhile but I am happy to say that I am doing better and better everyday. My confidence is slowly growing, I am starting to love myself more and more everyday and even though I have days where the depression and anxiety are overwhelming, I do not give up and I focus on the bigger picture instead.
However, there has been something that has been pestering me for quite some time now. If you’ve been following me since I started this blog, you can obviously tell that I am quite kinky. I know that there is nothing wrong with being a sexual woman, or with not being sexual. By nature, I believe that I am a sensual, erotic person; I love the eroticism and connection that I experience with someone when we are intimate.
A few years ago, though, I read a personals listing on Craigslist that really provoked me; to summarize it, the gentleman was searching for a female slave and wrote that the kinkiest, most sexual women tend to have pasts with sexual abuse. That really hurt to read, to think that something so liberating and beautiful such as kink was a result of such a violent, hurtful act. I vehemently denied it at first, but as time went on, I started to become dubious over my initial reaction and started to wonder: could he be right?
I truly believe that the answer to that question is not black or white. There are many people that enjoy BDSM and have no sexual abuse in their past whatsoever. A great example of someone that supports this fact is Sasha Grey. I’ll never forget seeing her on Tyra Banks and enduring the sex shaming that Tyra put her through, only to shine through with her intelligence and authenticity. Like with any institution or industry, porn has many problems, but when done right with someone sex positive, who genuinely loves sex, and isn’t coerced into it, I don’t see what the issue is.
For quite awhile now, I really did believe that most of my kinks were directly linked to my previous sexual abuse. But now I see that this statement simply isn’t true. Yes, I enjoy a lot of things that were done to me through sexual abuse, such as car sex, having a guy ride my face. But I still have major issues with vaginal intercourse, and I think bathroom sex is repulsive.
Sexuality is complex and that is a beautiful thing. I feel lucky to be so in touch with my body despite the violent trauma that I have underwent. Instead of being afraid of my body, which so many survivors sadly experience, I embraced it and have brought myself to orgasm so many times it feels like a thousand times, honestly. Multiple orgasms, squirting. After talking to many women, I realize that I am one of the lucky ones. I have been masturbating ever since I was 13. I became sexually active when I was 16, voluntarily, with my ex-boyfriend. I see nothing wrong with my kinks, desires or fetishes and I will continue to embrace the sensual, erotic woman in me that society desperately and simultaneously tries to abuse and silence.
And I keep telling myself this: my past does not define me. I am not my abuse. I am me. And I wouldn’t change anything about my past because it has led to the beautiful, strong and empathetic woman that I am.