Acknowledging And Releasing My Anger

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I once went to a reiki practitioner. This was before I became spiritual in my personal life. My cousin had been raving about it and I had always been skeptical of it since I considered myself a science-based, staunch atheist. Well, long story short, I was proven wrong by this experienced practitioner and after she concluded my hour-long session, she told me that the main source of my depression was suppressed anger.

I thought it was interesting that she picked up on this without knowing how I have always avoided anger in my life. I am not saying I am better than most people, but I rarely take out my anger on others. Of course, I am human and sometimes it has happened, but that is why I have always directed the misplaced anger toward myself. That is the reason why I’ve self-inflicted so much pain, whether it be through cutting myself, drinking myself to a stupor, shopping to excess or having numb, vapid sex with strangers.

Anger makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don’t like letting people see me in such a vulnerable, embarrassing state. It may sound silly, but perhaps as an empath, I feel anger much more intimately than others. I can literally feel my throat tighten up and every cell in my body vibrates with that emotion.

I agree with what my reiki practitioner told me, though. She said that anger is not a negative emotion. Society shames us for acknowledging and expressing our anger in a healthy way. It’s not good to hurt others because of our emotional pain, but it’s also unhealthy to suppress it and pretend that it doesn’t exist. I’ve been ignoring my anger for much too long and it’s time that I released it in a healthy way. It will be extremely uncomfortable, but I am already seeing changes now that I am talking about my anger and focusing on the emotion instead of fleeing from it.

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Rekindling The Connection With The Little Girl Within

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I think the biggest reason why I was primarily seeking a daddy dom in the recent past is that I love the way the dynamic was forcing me to reconnect with the little girl inside me that has been broken, scared and lost. Because of the sexual abuse, I was forced to worry about things that no child should be preoccupied with. Wondering if I had an STD. Paranoid about getting pregnant, wondering if the child was going to come out sick because my family member had intercourse with me. The heart wrenching thought that my family was not going to believe me and that they were going to turn against me and defend him (I was right).

I really feel like I can’t trust men. Before I found my partner, I tried seeking a boyfriend, and nearly all the men that I connected with were sadly, far away, but they were also daddy doms. They were in touch with their gentle, sensitive side that wanted to nurture and embrace the little girl inside of me. Nearly all of them were kind, docile and completely respectful. They made me feel safe. Which is extremely hard for me to encounter with men.

Sadly, society conditions men into believing the false belief that women can only be one label at a time. A woman can’t be an entrepreneur, mother and sex goddess at the same time. The mere idea of this concept makes most men’s heads spin (I’ve witnessed it firsthand). Even I bought the belief that I could only be one thing at all times. I tried that and it further alienated me from the little girl that needs constantly healing and love within me.

I used to think it was stupid, to love stuffies, pillow forts, coloring books and cute hair pins since I am a 28-year-old woman. Granted I get mistaken to be a seventeen-year-old most of the time, but still. But now I know that it helps me immensely, to get into my ‘little girl’ zone where I am able to be a little girl without having to experience the trauma of incest. My room is full of stuffies and my bookcase has a growing number of children’s chapter books. I go to the library and take out ten children’s books at a time. I love eating Justin’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups every day (gluten-free and dairy-free).

Perhaps to most people, I need to grow up and ‘toughen up’. But I’ve always been tough. I’ve always been mature, having to worry about situations and possibilities that honestly, a lot of adult people never experience. So I will continue focusing on my little girl side and continue nurturing her because she has been neglected and lonely for much too long.

It’s been a year since I last cut myself. It was this time last year that I drove home drunk from the bar and cut my forearms so badly and passed out. When I woke up, the shaving razor was cut in half and there was blood on the floor. I had cut so deeply; the wounds took over a week to heal. The mere possibility that this could happen again instilled pure terror within me. Driving drunk and possibility murdering someone by accident. Cutting so deep that I never wake up again.

But it’s been a year that I’ve been self-harm free and it’s been extremely difficult. I haven’t drunk alcohol to the point of becoming sick or blacking out. I’m so happy that I haven’t relapsed, so as a gift to myself, I will be buying myself another stuffy to encourage me to continue the good work that I’ve done. 🙂

I hope everyone has a lovely and safe Thanksgiving tomorrow.

xo

 

Lost Innocence

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For much of my life, I have felt ugly, stupid and worthless. Experiencing sexual abuse has this effect on people. Quite honestly, I feel like I was used and disposed of when these people had their fill of me. And quite honestly, that is exactly what happened.

I have perpetuated this abuse by sleeping with men that could care less about me. If I had enjoyed most of these encounters, I would not feel anger, shame and regret. Sadly, though, I rarely enjoyed these sexual encounters. They were vapid, mind-numbing sexual interactions that further alienated myself from the sad, hopeless girl that was abused and treated like a sex toy.

All of this is extremely difficult to talk about. It’s not easy for me to recollect these memories and speak about them so candidly. It hurts. It hurts because I’m finally starting to understand how much this has affected my life. By pretending to be okay, by lying to myself that my past no longer haunts my subconscious, I made it so much worse.

One of the actions that one of my abusers (a family member) would do to me would tell me that I was the most beautiful girl on Earth and say that we would get married one day. Then the next day he would literally tell me that this other girl was much prettier than me and I would just look down to the floor and say, I know. Men have always compared to me other women in this way. And it really hurt. To know that I would never be good enough. Pretty enough. Sexy enough.

The little girl inside of me will always feel this way. No matter how skinny, how fit I become, I fear that I will always feel ugly and inadequate. Not good enough. No one can change this perspective for me. I will have to learn how to change it, day by day, until one day, I can look into the mirror and see that little girl smiling back at me, whispering to me, You are the most beautiful woman, inside and out.

Repeating The Abuse Through Promiscuity

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It makes me really sad and ashamed to write this, but I really do feel that I have been promiscuous with men due to the abuse that has haunted my subconscious. I was used by these men that didn’t care about my beautiful soul, my introspective insight, my creative, original mind and I allowed it to happen. It’s what I was used to for so long. To be used by men as a vessel for their selfish pleasure.

I once had a guy inside of me and I literally felt nothing. I didn’t feel discomfort or pleasure. Just a blanket of nothing. He wasn’t a small guy, either. As an empath, my emotional and physical selves are undeniably linked. Every time I allowed a man to have sex with me, I was repeating the past. It’s a sad concept to accept, but psychologically, it makes 100% sense.

There is nothing wrong with a woman enjoying sex with multiple men. As long as she isn’t coerced or forced and she gains pleasure from it. I hold the firm belief that most people are not monogamous but in fact poly. And there is nothing wrong with either dating choice. Women can genuinely enjoy one night stands, three ways, gang bangs, and whatever else men are into. Many women are sensual creatures that crave the erotic.

But thankfully, after awhile, you start to gain confidence and you realize that you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. And that sex is supposed to feel good and it’s not supposed to be one sided. I am happy that I’ve discovered all of this and that I am finally healing.