When Everything Is Stagnant

I hate to admit this but lately I feel like I’d rather be dead. Having no job and living in the house where you were raped and spent most of your time self-harming and self-abusing alcohol is not a good environment at all.

That is why I will try to change the brain works and focus on the present. From now on, I will no longer obsess about the near future or far future. I can’t. Because when I do, that’s when my anxiety worsens and it morphs into the depression that tries to seduce me with compulsive thoughts that make me want to cut myself to escape the emotional pain.

I am trying to find a therapist that incorporates EMDR in their practice. I have been hearing that it’s a great tool for PTSD from severe trauma. I really do love talk therapy but sadly, I can talk about my feelings until I am blue in the face but that won’t solve the root problem. I am personally very against pills for depression and anxiety because I am highly sensitive to medication and I turn into a literal zombie. Not to mention I gain a massive amount of weight.

It glaringly apparent now that I cannot have a stable relationship with alcohol so I will have to give that up for good. I guess I am just really upset and annoyed lately; I keep giving up things that I enjoy and I feel like I am going crazy. No coffee, no alcohol….not to mention half of my favorite veggies and fruits.

The good news is that I have a plan and even though it will be really hard to wait until May, my plan is a solid one. The last real job that I had at the farm is opening up again in late May and I was told that if I don’t find work by then, I’d be more than welcome to work there again. I have the opportunity to work every day so I will. That will be good for me to get out of the house and be outside, of course. I love getting the fresh air and being out in nature and enjoying the awesome perks of buying discounted fruits and veggies, as well as having a steady source of income, of course. Then once the farm closes in early November, I will focus on moving down to New York City with all the money I have saved up. I will also be focusing on my grad school applications for my MFA.

Right now I need to take care of myself and work on my self-worth and confidence. I still feel ugly, stupid and worthless. These are all things that I need to rectify. I want to love myself and be kinder to myself. I will work extremely hard to achieve this, no matter how difficult it may be.

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