Body Posivity.

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It’s okay to be skinny. It’s okay to be ‘a little over what is acceptable’ (I have issues with that). It’s okay to have a small waist. It’s okay to have a large waist. It’s okay to have no muscles. It’s okay to have big muscles. It’s okay to be you. ❤

Someone out there will find you perfect. No matter your weight, shape or size.

xoxo

P.S. I apologize for the NSFW pic. But my nipple is blurred out, and female nipples are considered evil, and nudity is considered Satan’s spawn but I disagree. The human body is beautiful. Especially after one has felt ugly, disgusting and unattractive for so long.

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You Will Never Be Good Enough.

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You will never be good enough in this world.

You can have a size 0 waist but still have some fat in your lower abdomen.

You can have a six pack, but a guy will still have bigger arms than you will ever have.

Comparison is toxic.

Comparison is detrimental and unnatural

We are all different. These differences make us beautiful.

No one will ever be you. No one. Don’t ever forget that.

🙂

The Possibility Of Suicide

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I am scared that this illness is going to claim me. That I will tire of being strong every day, every second, and that I will give in finally.

I have thought about ending my life more times than I can count. Ever since I was sixteen, I have thought about committing suicide nearly every day.  It makes me very sad and upset to write this, but it’s true. It really angers me when misinformed people say that depressed people who commit suicide are weak. They are not weak. They are the strongest people that you will ever meet. They always care for others more than they care for themselves. They are selfless and often times empathetic.

I have always been different than most people. I have known this since I was very little. I am an introvert, a writer, an artist, an empath, a higher conscience being. To be all of these things almost always means being an outcast, a lone wolf, an outsider. So it would make perfect sense why I struggle with depression and anxiety.

Yes, that picture I have up is me. I’ve been working so hard to reclaim my body; trying my best to eat healthy most of the time, working out five days a week and trying to manage my stress. Despite all the amazing weight loss and lifestyle changes I have achieved, I still feel like I’m not good enough. And I fear that I will never be good enough for this world. Because it doesn’t matter how skinny, fit, rich or accomplished you become since there will always be someone better than you out there. Because we live in  world of constant comparison.

Of course, I am trying my best to break out of this toxic popularity contest mindset that we live in. But it’s extremely hard to do since it’s literally everywhere. But now I am realizing that if I continue in this mindset, I will end up taking my life one day. There are days where I don’t eat very much at all, partly from depression and partly because I don’t want to consume calories so I can be thinner. Everyone can see my ribs sticking out. It’s not my fault that most of my fat accumulates in my tummy/pouch area, my inner thighs, and arms. It’s slowly going away with diligent exercise and clean eating, but it will definitely take months before I achieve the body I desire in a healthy way.

It’s so easy to ask someone, how can you be depressed when you are so beautiful? Aesthetic beauty and mental illness have no correlation. You can be a supermodel and still suffer from severe depression. I hope that one day, society can start taking mental illness more seriously. We never blame a cancer patient for having cancer. So why do we blame people with mental illness for their disease?

Valuing Inner Beauty Over Physical Beauty

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When I was searching for my dom, I realized that most of the men were disappointed in my physical appearance when they met me in person. That hurt a lot. Rejection hurts, period, but it’s part of life. It’s how we grow and evolve as human beings. It makes you stronger and gives you wisdom.

I am happy that I gained weight from Prozac ten years ago. That’s insane to say, right? I am happy it happened, though, because it taught me about inner beauty and how to base my life on kindness, compassion and intelligence. Prior to gaining over fifty pounds from antidepressants, I was 100 pounds and could rock a bikini with no problem. I had girls and guys wanting me left and right. I truly believe that if I hadn’t gained all that weight, I most definitely would be a different person than the one I am today. I would have probably turned out to be shallow, mean and egotistical.

Before people start attacking me that I am calling all ‘beautiful people’ shallow and mean, I am very well aware that not all of them are like that. Unfortunately, I have met so many people that look pretty on the outside but inside they are quite ugly. And quite the opposite with people who aren’t as ‘aesthetically’ beautiful. I’ve been attracted to people that are not fit, not thin or that have model looks.

I am attracted to someone’s soul, intelligence, kindness, humor and creativity. These are all traits that are not physical. The way I see it, if someone doesn’t want to give me a chance because they are too busy comparing me to other women, they don’t deserve me. Because I am more than my physical body. Yes, I have lost a lot of weight in the past two years. I am more fit and thin now. But I will not succumb to the lies that this shallow world pushes on us. That I will never be pretty enough, or skinny enough, or fit enough, or sexy enough. I am enough. I am tired of trying to be perfect. Perfection is a human myth, a man-made conception. I feel blessed to be fully awakened and to realize these truths.