The bad news: I have an STD.
The good news: it’s 100% curable.
I got a text message from my health clinic this morning about my lab results while I was at work. Immediately, I panicked, thinking the worst and assuming that I had HPV, which is untreatable and extremely common. I called them right away and the nurse said I tested positive for chlamydia. She was extremely kind and reassuring and told me that it’s 100% treatable with antibiotics. I got my prescription sent over to my pharmacy and I just took it two hours ago.
I suspect that I got it from this guy that I was seeing last year around November. My pelvic pain started around June, and even though I only gave him oral once, that’s all it took, sadly. Thankfully, we didn’t have intercourse. God knows what other diseases I would have gotten.
I guess I’m frustrated and upset with myself more than him. My relationships with men have always been awful. Even though I am pansexual, I find it very hard to become attracted to men, specifically cisgender men. Perhaps I am too sweet and get taken advantage of by these selfish men. Most of them have compared me to other women, a trend that I see prevalent among straight men and that really irritates me. I am in no competition against any of my sisters. If I could go back in time and avoid having sexual relations with all of these men, I would. I gained nothing from it. Absolutely nothing. Most of it was not enjoyable at all. I was putting myself through the abuse I underwent over and over again.
Thankfully, I am in relationship with a woman that loves me for me, not for the sex that I can offer her. I’m so grateful to have her. She said she would still be with me even if I had an incurable STD. I haven’t been intimate with her because I didn’t want to give her anything. I found a sex therapist in New York City that seems really promising and addresses sexual abuse in adult survivors. I think that would really help me. I need to address the trauma that I underwent which continues to haunt my subconscious.
The other good news is that I might have a second job. 🙂 I have the interview tomorrow in the evening. I want to save up as much as possible before I move out with my girlfriend. There is an LGBTQ career fair in New York City next week as well that my girlfriend and I are attending. I feel very disillusioned with my career search but I am willing to give it a try. I really need to work on my confidence more.
I’m exhausted so I’m off to bed. I hope everyone has a good night.