Lately, I’ve been experiencing more anger than I care to admit. Anger that suffocates my throat and fills my chest with the noxious fumes of despair and rage. Palpitating sadness that overshadows all the light in my world and forces me to focus on all the negative in my life. Sorrow that eclipses the joy, triumphs and beautiful moments that I have experienced so far.
My mind right now is a broken carousel of disjointed thoughts, but the biggest question that hovers over my conscience is why did God/the Goddess/the universe/the source bestow me with the gifts of empathy and writing in this sociopathic world of money and the ego?
I have a huge decision to make. Do I go the safe route of Business, which is all about materialism, consumerism and corporate greed, all which negatively impact the environment, society and the rest of the world? Or do I focus on my writing skills and just hope that jobs give me a chance?
Women have a much harder time finding work, period. My (assumed) gender identity, along with my past of severe mental illness, are making it extremely hard to establish a career. My location does not aid the situation at all, either. Being an hour and a half away from New York City definitely has its perks, but jobs from the city do not want me. Most, if not all, of the jobs in this area, merely require a high school degree and I have a bachelor’s degree.
All of this uncertainty triggers my anxiety so badly. I am struggling with suicidal thoughts, but thankfully I have had many therapists in the past that have helped me deal with these difficult, dark emotions. I am going to find a good trauma therapist so that I can finally discuss the past in more detail. It will be extremely hard, and I am scared to do it. I don’t even want to do it. But I have no other choice. I cannot continue living my life with this low self-confidence and self-loathing that plagues every facet of my life.